BY: A.J. FELDMAN
The Republicans are gathered for a rally. Mike Pence is on stage. He is trying to run for vice president, but lately, ever since he signed on, his job is cleaning up the piles of mess left by his boss, the GOP candidate for president. Even now, Pence is charged with calming the increasingly raucous crowd. He looks over the signs waved by the throng of mostly white men.
“Build a wall on Canada too,” reads one placard.
“Hillary for prison,” says another.
“Lock her up,” the crowd chants.
Pence seems confused by the roar.
“Lock her up,” the crowd thunders.
How about we just vote in November?” said Pence.
“Why can’t we just lock her up now? I gotta work that day” yells a man in the front row.
“Me too,” says another.
“I understand she is a woman running for President,” says Pence, “but we can’t lock her up for that…at least not yet. As I was saying, vote for Donald and—“
“She is trying to make us plan our parenthood,” yells a lady Republican.
“I get that,” says Pence, “but besides insisting that women have the right to make their own reproductive choices, what has she done?”
“She murdered Jody Foster!”
“She leaked her email to Wikipedia!”
“We tried to pin that on her but it didn’t stick,” said Pence.
From back of the auditorium, a new chant begins:
“Oh no. It’s the Bernie or busters,” said the man in the front row.
“Is it Bernie or Buster?” said his friend.
“I can’t see, but they sure yell loud for having tape on their mouths.”
“Sounds like they’re yelling ‘Burn her’. Who let them outside agitators in?”
“Who cares? For hippies, that is a great idea. Burn her.”
“Burn her. Burn her,” the mob takes up the new call for action.
Pence is growing desperate. “Why do you want to burn her?” he asks with one last stab at logic.
From the front row, “She’s a witch.”
“How do you know she’s a witch?” said Pence.
“Um…she shrunk my head,”
“It looks normal to me. Your brow is kind of thick but I think that’s inherited,”
The man tapped his temple. “It’s only shrunk on the inside,”
Trump is watching from side stage with Ben Carson. “Ben,” he says to the famous surgeon. “Get out there and save Pence. He’s bombing.” Pence retreats to the side amidst a chorus of “Muslims suck”.
“Pence, have you seen MY African-American?” said Trump.
“No. but someone said Bill Clinton is sitting in a car out back.”
“Bill Clinton is here?” Trump bellowed. “He thinks he can spy on me? I spy on him. I have the best spies. Amazing spies. I have the best spies in the world.”
Meanwhile out on stage, Carson warns the crowd. “…and so we can plainly see, using guilt by association, Hillary Clinton is Satanic. In college she even named her cat Lucifer, but she tried to claim that was only because it kept eating her slippers.”
The crowd is whipped to a frenzy, but somehow they have a new chant.
“Nuke ‘er. Nuke ‘er,” they shout.
“Now that is a good idea,’ says Trump. “Pence, what will it cost to drop a nuclear bomb on Hillary?”
“We can’t do that Donald.’
“Why not? What good is having nuclear bombs if we can’t use ‘em on the Democrats?”
Ted Cruz has now taken the stage. “And so we should vote with our conscience…vote Republican all the way down the ballot. Vote Republican for Senate, for House, for governor and state legislators…”
“Psst.” It is Pence from the wings. “Don’t forget Donald” he stage whispers to Cruz.
Cruz glances over. “Remember to support your Republican mayors and city councilmen…” Pence is now pointing directly toward Trump. Cruz continues. “…and vote GOP for your country clerk and recorder…”
“Endorse Donald,” Pence shouts.
“Uh…and it is really important we elect Republican county coroners…”
“Don’t worry about Lyin’ Ted, Pence,’ Trump tells him. “My wife will vouch for me. It is in our prenuptial agreement.”
Melania Trump now addresses the convention. “When Barack and I first came to Washington we took our daughters Sasha and Malia to the Smithsonian…”
“Are you sure she wrote her speech?” said Pence.
“She writes the best speeches,” Trump replied. “Amazing speeches…and Pence…did you find my African American yet?”
“Well Donald. He seems to have snuck out the back”
“What the hell is he doing out there….”
“He just drove away with Bill Clinton.”
Outside in the auditorium the cry of “Lock her up” once again fills the air. And the Donald campaign continues.