Because nothing says, “I love you” like…

|GRETCHEN GAEDE|

 

Whether you are planning to dodge cupid’s arrow or hoping to get pierced square in the heart, you have likely noticed that Valentine’s Day has become a polarizing holiday for many of us consumerites. As one woman so eloquently put it as she stared down a heart shaped box of candy in the grocery store check-out line, “Valentine’s Day blows. I’d rather have a six pack of beer than a box of chocolates, and I couldn’t care less about some stupid teddy bear clutching a heart.”

While those sentiments may be a little more extreme than most, it’s clear that consumerism has become the hallmark of the holiday. According to the Greeting Card Association, Valentines’ Day is the second most popular greeting card holiday to Christmas. And the days of decorating boxes and sending subtle “please be mine” messages to classmates have been overshadowed by the demands of loved ones who have come to view the holiday as a test of true a ection.

But, if you’re tired of roses and candy, what can you do to prove your love? We thought we’d help you out with a few ideas that just might get the panty-dropping response you are looking for.

  1. Panty Gram: Speaking of panty dropping, why not just pop those panties in the mail? With SendAPantyGram, you can choose the level of “spiciness” that you want your message to convey, and the site even comes with a disclaimer that reads “The panties in a sendapantygram are intended to be part of the message experience, and not intended to be worn.” Duhh, isn’t not wearing them the whole point? sendapantygram.com
  2. Candy G-string: A panty-gram is nice, but being able to eat the panties is always better. The beauty of this gift is the price point. For only $9.99 you can remind her of the innocent candy necklaces she used to wear at recess, and show that her innocence is now long gone. There is also a matching bra for $9.99. A bikini for $20? Count me in. Get It Here  !
  3. Salami Bouquet: Nothing screams “you are the one for me” quite like a garlic- cured meat bundle. While a salami bouquet is a romantic choice, if you really love them, go a step further with a full-on meat lover’s bouquet complete with smoked meats from all over the globe. Salami Bouquet
  4. Heart-shaped branding iron: Who would’ve thought that carnivorous products would be such a St. Valentine staple, but I know I would swoon if I were presented a ribeye with a double heart seared into its esh. So, if you’re like me, be sure to check out the irons of a affection that Texas Irons has to offer. Heart Branding Iron
  5. “Control your spouse” talking remote: Let’s face it, we all dream of the occasional opportunity to control the thoughts and actions of our partners, so wouldn’t it be nice if technology came to the rescue? Well you are in luck with the new ‘Control Your Man’ and ‘Control Your Woman’ talking remotes. At around $15.00 each, the push of a button can deliver such heartfelt messages as, “Get me a beer,” “Put down the toilet seat,” and “Clean up on aisle four.” Available at Amazon.com.

Hopefully your gift horizons have now expanded. So, don’t be afraid to step outside of the chocolate box and get a little freaky this Valentine’s Day. If anything, you are sure to make the holiday a memorable one.